| thirteen/cuddy |
[May. 6th, 2008|07:43 pm] |
title: Peanut Butter
author: lilallisun
pairing: Thirteen/Cuddy
rating: PG
summary: Thirteen is both fighting and trying to accept the way she is.
author notes: Reviews are very much appreciated. =) cross-posted to house_slash and housefemslash.
( Click to read. ) |
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| LOL + happy friday |
[Feb. 15th, 2008|02:09 pm] |
“I don’t think you realize how serious this is.”
“I’m sorry if I fail to think of this as serious.”
“You’re not sorry at all!”
“Oh boy, you caught me.”
“This is impossible.”
“What is impossible, exactly?”
“Trying to talk to you.”
“No, you’re trying to admonish me. For something stupid and pointless.”
“These shoes are expensive, House.”
“Were.”
“What?”
“They were expensive. Until I wrecked them.”
“So you admit it!”
“I didn’t say I wrecked them on purpose. It was an accident.”
“….”
“This is the part where you complain like the nagging housewife you are.”
“This is the part where I throw these shoes at you!!”
“I don’t know if those can even be classified as shoes anymore.”
“Can you explain to me how you managed set my shoes on fire?”
“Well you see, there was this hooker-”
“Fuck you, House.”
“If you want. Save me some money. Not to mention innocent footwear.” |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2008|09:43 am] |
Wow, has it been five months since my last entry?! Geez and crackers, that's insane. It makes me realize how quickly the NEXT five months are going to go by. It'll be... June. I'll be graduating. And then I'll be spending the summer getting ready to leave.
Yeah so, you know how I was thinking about going on exchange? Well, I am. I went through the HELLISH application process, and was accepted. And then over Christmas break I found out that I got my first choice country- Belgium! Very excited about that.
So yeah. Just thought I'd give my poor journal an update about that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2007|08:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
Circuitry of the Wolf & Routine
Rating: PG-13, abouts? maybe? no big deal.
Fandom: The 10th Kingdom
Disclaimer: Not mine! Just borrowing!
Char/Pair: Wolf/Virginia
Words: 152 and 156. (so 308 total! ^_^)
A/N: Two Wolf/Virginia drabbles. The 10th Kingdom, in case you didn't know, is an amazing mini-series movie-type thing that I am recently obsessed with. The first drabble's title is taken from a song by Mew.
Enjoy!
Circuitry of the Wolf
He doesn't want to eat her.
That's what he tells himself while he lies awake at night, watching her sleep. She sleeps so peacefully, so quietly perfect and gorgeous. She is everything in sleep that she is in wakefulness, only suspended in time and breathing softly with eyes closed. Her hair is almost always sticking up in some which way, and he supresses the urge to smooth it down because he doesn't want to wake her.
He supresses a lot of urges.
So he indulges, just this once, and reaches out to stroke her hair. She stirs and he can't help but lick his lips before her eyes open and immediately find his gaze.
"Good morning?" she whispers tentatively, because it's dark and she doesn't know why she's awake.
He loves her voice and the colour of her eyes.
Gently nipping at the tip of her nose, he murmurs, "Very good, yes."
Routine
Virginia and Wolf have a routine. During the full moon he stays locked in the bedroom with plenty of food to keep him (his stomach) company. She waits around the apartment and tries to keep quiet. She goes to work, but can never concentrate (all she sees is him).
When he yells and cries, she curls up on the couch and clutches a blanket to herself and tries desperately to stop herself from going in there with him. She always stays put because he made her promise (she's afraid).
Soon enough (finally) he quiets down and begins to recover. Immediately after he's better she unlocks the door and they spend the rest of that day in bed (making love for as long as they can). He is especially gentle with her then, and kisses every inch of her as if to assure her that he's harmless and will never, ever hurt her (on purpose). |
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| OMG |
[Jan. 9th, 2007|09:58 pm] |
HOUSE TONIGHT
AMAZING
I'M DEAD
DEAD |
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| Until You Lose the Road |
[Nov. 25th, 2006|12:46 pm] |
Title: Until You Lose the Road
Pairing: H/W
Rating: PG-13
A/N: Post "Whac-A-Mole". Title from "How to Save a Life" by The Fray.
Wilson calls him that night. He doesn’t say anything for the first two minutes, but House knows it’s him.
He is about to hang up when Wilson finally speaks.
“I don’t think you understand.” The voice is quiet and exhausted, and House catches a hint of pleading.
“Understand what? That you feel betrayed? Spare me.”
“I don’t think you understand how much this… Jesus. I can’t even-”
Normally, House would make a remark about Wilson being Jewish. Tonight is not normal.
Thinking of how disgustingly not normal this is makes House want to throw the phone across the room, and Wilson with it. None of this should be happening.
“If you can’t tell me, I must not really need to know.”
He needs to end this conversation. He needs to not fucking care anymore.
“I don’t care if you need to know! I need to say it!” Wilson is starting to sound desperate now.
“So say it and stop wasting my time.”
“That’s just it! Wasting your time? Is that really all I-” he chokes on the words and tries again, “Is that really all I am, t-to you?”
House can’t see him, but Wilson’s voice is screaming of unshed tears. How did Wilson move from anger to anguish? House can imagine him sitting with his head in his hands. His eyes would be shut tightly against anything other than his personal emotional hell. Turmoil that House has so lovingly provided for him.
Wilson doesn’t even wait for an answer, because he knows that no answer will ever come.
“But that’s not why I c-called.” There is a pause. Wilson is probably wiping frantically at his eyes. “I know you care on some level because you’re feeling guilty but that might just be plain old guilt, I don’t know, it doesn’t matter, I just wanted- I just needed to-”
“Needed to what?” House asks, impatient. This rambling, insecure Wilson is gnawing at his conscience, and it hurts in an unfamiliar way.
Wilson has never cried for him before.
“To tell you something. I- I don’t know what I’m going to do yet, but I wanted to tell you. I know you- I know you don’t c-care, but…” House hears him stumbling over the words, and the sound is so strange that House cringes. “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, I don’t, I just want you to know. You’re such a fucking asshole, and I don’t know why I keep… keep thinking about it! Because you don’t care, so I shouldn’t care, but I do, and I don’t want to keep caring like this! I shouldn’t just keep… loving you, like this.”
And there they are. The words that House never expected to hear, and yet he is not at all surprised, somehow, to hear them.
“But I wanted you to know I won’t ever… stop. I should; I want to. But I won’t. I just… can’t. Not that it matters to you. Your guilt would probably feel better if I could stop loving you. But maybe somewhere, it matters, and that’s why I called.”
There is another long pause. House wonders if it does matter, and decides that he can’t bring himself to really find out.
“I’m sorry,” Wilson says softly.
And House isn’t, so he hangs up. |
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| But It Was- drabble |
[Sep. 25th, 2006|04:15 pm] |
Title: But It Was
Rating: PG
Pairing: bit of House/Wilson
Word Count: 214
Spoilers: None really... won't make any sense if you haven't seen recent episodes, but doesn't go into specifics.
Notes: Angsty fun. Little drabble I wrote today during study hall. Homework? Forget that noise.
He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to think about it. All of his time was spent pretending it never happened.
It never happened. There was no glimpse of hope, no glimmering sight of a future that held almost everything he had once had. It was not torturous; it did not haunt him as he tried to sleep at night. His nights were not spent staring at a ceiling that he could not see.
He insisted that he was the same as he was before.
Nothing had been lost, except for the sweet, teasing taste of a normal life. He didn’t feel cheated. He wasn’t angry.
He was still slightly pissed at his best friend for lying to him, but he was getting over it.
He did not chase away the worry that his friend had been right. He was not secretly thankful and simultaneously resentful of the man’s interventions. The amount of tension and discomfort in their conversations didn't agonize him.
He refused to accept that he could have a problem.
He didn’t feel lost or confused. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to punch Wilson in the face or call out for him or kiss him. He was never buried so deeply in his own thoughts that he couldn’t imagine ever being free. The physical was never overwhelming.
The pain was never too much. |
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| Know It's True- a House/Wilson fanmix |
[Sep. 10th, 2006|12:32 pm] |
I have made another fanmix! I've probably spent 6+ hours on this, and I'm very happy to finally have it finished and ready to post. :D
In case it matters to you, I put quite a bit of thought into the order of the songs; they tell a story. (At least to me! Please interpret it however you like. I'd like to hear what you get from it.)
So... please comment to tell me that you downloaded it or if you liked it or just whatever you think of it. (wooooo feedback! i'm pretty sure that everyone here agrees with me on that.)
Enjoy!!
1. Straight To Hell- Gisli
The drugs don't thrill me, and my life's about to kill me and I'm pretty sure I'll end up all alone
I'm gonna be drunk, and flat broke
I'm gonna be tired old and bitter, and really messed up
Cause this behavior, is gonna get me nowhere, but straight to hell
2. Sometimes- James
Sometimes, when I look deep in your eyes, I swear I can see your soul
3. Another One Goes By- The Walkmen
Don't know what to offer you
I'm only broke and lonely
And another one goes, and another one goes by
Sometimes when I walk outside I see it right in front of me and so
Bright
And another one goes by
4. Heaven Forbid- The Fray
Heaven forbid you end up
Alone and don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow,
You'll be alright.
It feels good.
Is that reason enough for you?
5. Do It Alone- Sugarcult
I don't want to do it alone
I'm beggin you
I don't want to do it, do it, do this all alone
We can dance in your bedroom with no romance
I got time just to waste if you would be my new escape
6. Know It's True- Evermore
Moonlight shines down in rays
Fire I see in your gaze
And I know it’s true, believe it too, can feel it too
And it’s clear to me, no fantasy, reality
7. Stay- Small Sins
And when the right time comes,
Ill be what youve grown to hate,
Like your high school crush,
Made you pass your papers in late.
Well you can stay if you want to,
But you cant sleep in my bed
8. Hundred- The Fray
It's hard I must confess
I'm banking on the rest to clear away
'Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love you.
You right where you are,
From right where I am,
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred.
And who's to say it's wrong
And who's to say that it's not right
Where we should be for now.
9. Special- Mew
You're special
You're like a rocket through me
Ohh, you're special
You're a rocket to me
And I cannot this time
Agarina*
You can't say no
Agarina
This time you will go
*"Agarina" apparently means "come on in" in Japanese.
10. Flying High- Jem
You can’t know, oh no
you can’t know
how much I think about you, no
It’s making my head spin
Looking at you
and you are looking at me
and we both know what we want
hmmm, so close to giving in
Feel so nice
oh yeah you feel so nice
wish I could spend the night
but I can’t pay the price
oh no, no
11. Look After You- The Fray
There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you
12. City of Love- Persephone's Bees
I see the darkness in your eyes
I taste darkness in your eyes
I'm headin' to the city of love
Blue city of love
Strange city of love
13. Fall At Your Feet- Magnet
I guess things will never seem the same again
'Cause without you I’m like a torch without a flame
Not a case of fair or unfair, not a case of truth or dare
But your nerve of steel is gonna make me kneel,
and it’s how I feel when
You sing like an angel,
and I fall at your feet
Zip file- Songs and cover art. (fixed!)
EDIT: I am quite sorry, lovelies! I knew that some of you wouldn't be able to play the songs, and I just kind of... forgot about it. Soooo tomorrow I'll try putting the songs on a CD and then back on my computer and hopefully that will work just fine. So if you wouldn't mind waiting until tomorrow night, that would be really cool. :D
Okay guys, I fixed the file! They're all mp3 so you should be able to play them. And they have the pretty artwork for iTunes and colour iPods! w00t! Sorry about the delay! Enjoy. :] |
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| Beginnings |
[Jul. 14th, 2006|04:11 pm] |
Title: Sticky
Rating: G
Characters: House and Wilson
Prompt: 001 Beginnings
Word Count: 477
Author’s Notes: I’m on the waiting list for housefic50, and I’m getting started now. This first one really has nothing to do with the prompt anymore, but the prompt did get me started and that’s all that counts, I suppose. HouseWilson friendship fluff. =D
House had gotten up (late) for work; and after getting dressed and popping a Vicodin he knew already that it was going to be a terrible day. The weather was perfectly dismal, which on its own did him no harm except that it made his leg seem even worse than usual.
He was ready to snarl at the first person stupid enough to bother him on his way into the hospital… Unfortunately, everyone seemed to have been alerted to his bad mood. For a moment he favored the thought that they all knew him so well that they could anticipate (based on the weather and his attitude from the day before) how he would act that day. It was probably true- to some extent.
When he entered his office he had every intention of avoiding the three C’s- cases, clinics, and Cuddys.
He added another “C” to the list when Cameron walked in behind him.
“House, I-”
“No.”
“I have a-”
“No.”
“Do you even-”
“Nope.”
House smirked to himself when Cameron stormed out of the room muttering under her breath. He put his iPod on the desk and was about to sit down when he saw it- a small yellow object stuck to the top of his speakers.
He put two and two together very quickly: sneaking into House’s office plus sticky note equaled Wilson. It was so completely Wilson that the man might as well have written his name all over the little yellow piece of paper.
But there were no words at all on this note. Someone had drawn a happy face on it. The black ink shined off of the paper and into House’s mind; his eyes were captivated by the simple strokes as he imagined Wilson slipping in before an early meeting. Wilson probably spent a moment scribbling on a note before crumpling it up and sticking it in his pocket, opting to just leave a simpler way of saying, “I’m here; I’m thinking about you.”
House rolled his eyes at the obvious affection, but he allowed himself to feel slightly better about his day. It was almost annoyingly sentimental of him, but knowing that Wilson had thought about him this morning was… comforting.
He sat down and tapped his cane on the floor a few times. He looked at his desk for a moment before opening one of the drawers.
Wilson entered his own office later that morning and chuckled quietly when he found a pink sticky note reading “DORK” attached to his nameplate.
“So what do you think?” House asked from behind him. Wilson rolled his eyes and picked up the note.
“I’m not a dork,” Wilson told him. He turned around to look at House and promptly sputtered- “And there is no way I’m going to do that.”
House had proudly stuck the smiley face note onto his forehead. |
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| House/Wilson mix a la Snow Patrol |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|06:23 pm] |
Here is the House/Wilson mix I made up today, comprised completely of Snow Patrol songs.
I was inspired by the two SP songs that I've seen on other H/W mixes, (how to be dead and ways & means). So this mix begins with "How To Be Dead" and ends with "Ways & Means".
And the very last one is kinda like a joke. >.<;;
And once again, no fancy art or anything. Maybe someday I'll stop being so lazy. (ooooor not. sigh!)
How To Be Dead
Why can't you shoulder the blame
'Cause both my shoulders are heavy
From the weight of us both
You're a big boy now so let's not talk about growth
You've not heard a single word I have said...
Oh, my God
Hands Open
Why would I sabotage
the best thing that I have
Well, it makes it easier to know
exactly what I want with my...
Hands open and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
that your heart opens
Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking
Something happened, that I never understood
(I could do most anything to you...)
You can't leave
You can't leave
(I could do most anything to you...)
Make This Go On Forever
Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could
All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong
On/Off
Nobody's perfect that's what I say
No one has hurt me so much you say
I'm sorry
Gleaming Auction
You're the one with the attitude
Don't try and make me out
To be the root of the evil in
The whole rotten affair
Lie back and suffer now
We've both earned our reward
Days Without Paracetamol
When summer falls asleep
And winter plucks your strings
The colder that you get
Makes you feel at home
Build it up, tear it up, throw it out
If I come round there now
Would you be pleased to see me
Chocolate
This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time
You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer
You're All I Have
You're cinematic razor sharp,
A welcome arrow through the heart,
Under your skin feels like home,
Electric shocks on aching bones,
Give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something hold onto,
It's so clear now that you are all that I have,
I have no fear cause you are all that I have
There is a darkness deep in you,
A frightning magic I cling to
Ask Me How I Am
Has nobody asked you how you are
You look like you might not last the day
I wouldn't have made it very far
So we'd make a good team right away
Same
Maybe somewhere else
Will not be half as cold as me
The curtains drawn the winter sun
Makes patterns on your face
It looks like some kaleidoscopic breathing exercise
It's the same
It's the same
It's the same
Grazed Knees
I'm trying not to stir, it's too late
My blanket's over there, I feel like
I'm broken and I'm colder than hell
I should've said I'd not come back here
Your breakfast will get cold
I really have to go
Favourite Friend
You're my favourite friend
And I adore you
Love you to the end
No one heard a word you say
You're my favourite friend
We rule the world together
Ways & Means
Getting too busy to make amends
I should try to make it right
Are you ready for the shit to hit
I think you say you are but aren't
Doctor make it better instantly
You're the only one who can
I've been waiting here my whole damn life
And I've forgotten what I wanted
Get Balsamic Vinegar... Quick You Fool
She hates being on her own
But fuck her I'm leaving tonight
Why should I live this way
When I could be with someone else
I don't want to hurt her feelings
But she's a crazy fucked up bitch
.zip file for you!
Enjoy and please comment if you download.
(I love you guys!!) |
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| so the thing is... |
[Jun. 24th, 2006|09:24 am] |
I'm going on vacation today! For a whole week. I'm pretty excited...
But this vacation means no internet, which means no livejournal, which means no H/W fic for me. *sobs*
I'm brining my laptop with me, on which I am going to watch the first season dvds that my mum just bought me, and hopefully get to writing some H/W. Or at least something. (shame on me for being so lazy...)
Yes. I will look at this week as an opportunity to sit at my little beach house and write. And watch House.
And NOT go outside. Or... to the beach. Because that's why we're going to be there, but it's supposed to rain all week. "Oh wells! That's too bad!" says I, who pretty much hates the sun/the outdoors.
Mwahahaha.
So now I'm forcing my mum to watch House with me. I am going to get her hooked, I swear. I will. When I come back next Saturday, I will tell you how it went. She will most likely be at least vaguely interested in it. (Orrrr totally obsessed!!! *evil laugh*)
I hope that people write tons of amazing H/W fic while I'm gone. Or else. *sigh* And hopefully by the time I come back, I'll have something to offer, as well. That'll be my goal- to come back with at least one H/W fic that I can share. (Preferably three. Okay, if I do one- I give myself one cookie. Two- two cookies. Three, and so forth. That sounds good.)
I'm a bit crazy. Mostly I'm just totally happy about the idea of getting Vicodin when I get my wisdom teeth pulled, which'll be like a year from now. This shows how insane I am. I might not even get any? And it's a year away?
I'm crazy.
Well, farewell my loves. |
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| Pietro Crespi by Owen |
[Jun. 22nd, 2006|04:27 pm] |
Okay, so this song is amazing. Just amazing. It's beautiful. It's everything that music should be.
And it strikes me as extremely House/Wilson.
Could you love someone enough?
After all you've had and you've lost
It's a simple question
I'm only asking because I don't wanna die alone
Could you love someone completely?
And yes by "someone", I mean me
Spoiled sick like milk you let sit too long
It's a simple question
As I lie awake
Waiting for you to lay beside me
I can almost hear
The sad waltzes of Pietro Crespi...
Could you love someone
Who does whatever he wants to do
Whenever I want to
It's a simple question
I'm only asking 'cause I don't wanna die alone...
I love this song so much that it makes me want to cry. (A bit pathetic, I know. But I'm okay with that! ^_^)
Here it is if you guys want to listen.
Pietro Crespi- Owen |
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| h/w mix |
[Jun. 20th, 2006|07:40 pm] |
My House/Wilson mix! Here is the playlist-
1. Is It Any Wonder?- Keane
Is it any wonder I'm tired?
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight?
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right?
Oh, these days, after all the misery made,
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid?
Is it any wonder that I feel betrayed?
2. Warning Sign- Coldplay
Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.
3. Manhole- Ani DiFranco
Course, you're the kind of guy who doesn't lie
He just doctors everything
Chooses some unassuming finger
And quietly moves his wedding ring
Who rewrites his autobiography
For any pretty girl who'll sing
4. Blackout- Lovedrug
I'll save my life for something good, oh yeah
And when you're punching skulls on your bathroom floor, oh yeah
Does it get you off? Oh yeah, does it get you off to know that
Sometimes we all blackout
5. Natural Disaster- Alexz Johnson
Feel like you're moving in slow motion,
and you don't know where you're going,
you tried it all and it's too boring,
tighten up your grip cause it's a long way down.
6. Stolen Car- Beth Orton
While every line speaks the language of love
It never held the meaning I was thinking of.
And I cant decide over right or wrong.
I guess sometimes you need the place where you belong
7. Bleed For You- Hidden In Plain View
If I could take your pain away
I would scream for you
And I'd bleed for you
So you’ll never feel this way again
When you’re in my arms, again
I would scream for you
I will bleed for you
8. I Close My Eyes- Shivaree
I close my eyes
So I
Can dream of ways to keep you occupied
So I
Can lock you up we'll keep it classified
Alright
You're mine tonight, son
When I close my eyes
9. Sparks- Coldplay
Did I drive you away?
I know what you'll say
You'll say, "Oh, sing one we know"
But I promise you this
I'll always look out for you
That's what I'll do
10. Nothing Left To Lose- Mat Kearney
And I found myself in a bitter fight
While I’ve held your hand through the darkest night
Don't know where you’re coming from but you’re coming soon
11. The Dumbing Down Of Love- Frou Frou
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
12. Ladder- Joan Osborne
You give me a ladder now
I surely believe I’ll climb
It don’t even matter now
I’m willing to take my time
I’m gonna love you anyway
Today and every day
13. Haven- Now Is Now
Take my chances, take my heart
Do we need another reason do we really want to start
Should I change now, become obsessed
Personality illusions makes a mess
When all the pain I feel within myself I channel off on you
Using thoughts instead of body what to do. Now what to do
14. Sleep on Needles- Sondre Lerche
I am but a fool to play
Unaware of things
If I treassured the truth
I would tell it to you
15. Nobody- Five for Fighting
Take off your shoes... Take off yourself
Take off your rented mental health
Take off your raincoat... settle down
Take off your nightmare and your frown
There is a place for you to go
To see another ringer in a rock show
Take my pretense for a time
Cause I want to say to you
I'm nobody without you...buddy
My long lost friend
"Natural Disaster" is the most House/Wilsony one on here, in my opinion. As well as "Stolen Car", and "Sparks". Perfection!
Please comment if you download! <3<3<3
Zip file! |
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| Unravelled |
[Jun. 16th, 2006|09:25 pm] |
~~~~
You're standing there, at the window. It's one of your sporadic moments of self-loathing. I don't remember what brought it on. We've been fighting for a while now.
"I don't know why you stay. I don't know why you... stick around here when all you ever get is trouble. Pain? Is that what I do for you? Is that what you want?"
I don't know why I stay. I don't know why I stick around when all I ever get is... This. What is this? What the hell is this? I don't know. I don't know anything. Why do I let you push me around? I don't know.
You keep staring out the window. You haven't looked at me once in all the time you've been speaking. Has it been hours? Minutes? But you continue.
"Masochist? Is that it? Do you want this pain of mine? I have plenty to share. I would gladly give it to you. I don't want it. I never wanted it. I never wanted any of it. But that wasn't my choice, was it? No, you know it wasn't. It's not your fault... But you're stuck with it, too, aren't you?"
I can just barely understand what you're talking about. You seem to be talking to yourself. But maybe you're only making it seem that way, so you can get more of your thoughts in without feeling like you're actually telling them to me.
You still haven't turned to me. Is it that you can't bear to look at me? What's really going on in your mind, House?
"One of these days, I'll show you. I'll show you that you can't handle this any more than I can. Only difference is, I really am stuck with it. It's not your problem- you can leave. Why don't you? Why don't you EVER leave?"
We both know I'll never do it. I couldn't. You're an asshole, you're unbearable, you're sarcastic, you're... brilliant. And funny. You're in pain. Some of it becomes my pain, but it's nothing that I can't handle. Even if I couldn't, I'd do it anyway. You must know that.
I think I get it now.
"You'll never do it, will you? You can't. Somehow, you just can't bring yourself to just. Fucking. Leave."
I don't know how you got to this state of mind, but you need to snap out of it.
You must know that I truly want to be here. You're my friend. You're one of the only things that matter to me. You do know that.
You finally spin around and look at me. Your eyes are ablaze. Full of pain. The full force of your gaze almost sends me staggering backwards.
"Why not? Why won't you just go the hell away? Why the hell are you still here? Why can't you get it through your thick skull that it just isn't worth it? It's not, it can't be... You can't be happy. You can't, I won't let you, so just go away. Just leave like everyone else and get it over with. Just. Get. OUT."
You're yelling now. You're yelling and you're advancing on me and I'm only slightly afraid of your cane swinging as you're gesturing towards the door.
You take yet another step closer. You're ready to yell again but then-
I quickly wrap my arms around you. (Just barely missed the cane. Thank God.) You tense up, and for a moment I'm afraid that I've just made things ten times worse. But finally I feel your body relax slightly. I tighten my hold a bit, and you surprise me by dropping your head onto my shoulder.
You seem exhausted. When you speak again, your voice is barely above a whisper.
"Just leave..."
You'll keep trying to push me away. Or trying to shock me, or freak me out, or make me angry. It'll work sometimes. Sometimes I'll get so angry that I can barely speak to you. But you have to know... "I'll never leave."
Silence.
You're shaking just a little, and I know that you probably won't speak again for a while. You have what you were looking for.
That doesn't stop me from quietly reassuring you as we stand there. 'I'll never leave you', repeated over and over. 'Don't worry' may have slipped through, as well.
We're going to have to sit down soon. Your leg must be killing you. |
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